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“It’s an utterly stupid, ridiculous thing to do! Och, away with you, you’ll just be making a fool of yourself.” Helen, the proprietor of Helen’s Investigations, was around my own age, had an attractive Scottish accent, a lovely face, long blonde hair, and one beautiful right hand. Her left arm ended at the wrist. …
“You really deserve this promotion, Michael, and it’s much more money too!” Have you ever thought back to a time in your life when you can pinpoint one day where one good thing led to another, so that you can truly say that it was the happiest day of your life? It happened to me…
“We’d like you to accompany us to the police station, please sir,” Oh no, not again! It was the story of my life. “Look here, Officer,” I explained to him as he led me to the waiting police car. “I’ve been here at the university all day, giving a long boring lecture about the decline…
“I’ll give you three weeks to pack up and clear out, then that’s it, the bulldozers will be on their way! Goodbye family home, hello luxury flats and lots and lots of luvverly money!” So saying, my brother Stan enthusiastically rubbed his hands together and gave that horrid rasping laugh that I had grown…
Plants were absolutely everywhere. On the windowsills, shelves, on the carpet, hanging from the ceiling, even in the toilet! The first time I saw Fiona’s plant-stuffed flat I was mesmerised. “I just adore plants, all plants anywhere and everywhere!” she declared, leading me downstairs to the garden, where she owned a small section of the…
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. . . .” It was a Saturday lunchtime, and I was doing my regular stint behind the confessional box screen, when unseen people nervously recited their offences, and I dished out the punishments, normally a number of Hail Mary’s to recite, after which I sent them on their…
“We’re beautiful, we’re young, we’re sexy and we’re in love,” I said to Patsy, who was lying in bed beside me, relaxing after our lovemaking. “I should be ecstatically happy, having fallen head over heels for you,” she replied. “My goodness, Matt how do you come to be such a fantastic lover? I knew you…
The man was strangling a woman in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it was happening! I can still remember the terrible shock of it, my attention bizarrely drawn to his attenuated middle finger, cut off at the knuckle, pressed into the soft white flesh of her neck, then the moment her body sagged….
“Oh I didn’t join the dating app to meet a man,” Caroline said, in between munching her way through a large mouthful of Duck A L’Orange, the most expensive item on the menu. I noticed some black sauce hovered on her lips before a large pink slab-like tongue emerged to sweep it away. “I just…
The snow was falling faster, too fast for the wipers, banking up and whiting out the scene, second by second. It was a white world of misery, freezing cold, ice and terror. I gripped the steering wheel tighter than tight, but couldn’t fight the feeling of the car sliding once again on the freshly mounting…