“AAAAGH!” Hubert yelled as I kicked him in the balls, and then I gave him a jab in his eye with one of my long nails.
“NO, means NO!” I told him, secretly proud of my unarmed combat training coming to my rescue when I was alone with this predatory man. “I normally never tell people this, but I work for a firm that entraps men like you on behalf of their wives. I’ve recorded everything you said and did tonight, your sleazy flirting, that made you think I’d allow you to have sex with me. Your wife has received live streaming of all that you said and did, including calling her a ‘fat old ratbag’ who you’ve always hated. You’re going to lose your wife and also a great deal of money, thanks to your philandering ways. . .”
I left Hubert Penman to his woes, and went back into the down-at-heel bar where I’d picked him up, and pondered on my unconventional job. Helpful Honeytrappers had been going some years now, and I was one of its key operators. Wives would approach us, wanting to ‘test’ their husbands because they suspected them of philandering and wanted either solid proof of their guilt or exoneration. So my job was to either entrap them with my charms, and give the wives proof via a live stream of my video recording. Or, more pleasantly, to be able to prove that they were faithful, and did not succumb to my efforts, a result which I always found truly gratifying. It rarely ended as badly it had done tonight. It was far more usual for the man in question to merely flirt with me and suggest a future sexual liaison, all of which would be recorded and live-streamed to his wife, something he’d find out later to his regret.
My boss, Caroline, was actually a solicitor who, after working in divorce litigation for many years, had spotted a gap in the market, and now was making a lot of money. There were three of us girls, and I knew that Caroline had recently taken on a very handsome young man called Ben, who was to work on behalf of men who didn’t trust their wives, but I was sceptical such a thing could work. Caroline also said darkly that she had other ideas for his talents, but she wouldn’t elucidate, simply told me to ‘wait and see’.
After all, I reasoned, Ben wasn’t going to be needed because women were much more honest about relationships, they didn’t often go in for cheating, especially casual cheating, in the same way men do. Nor are they naive enough to be easily trapped.
“You’re wrong,” she told me. “Nowadays there are lots of strong independent women who have a powerful sex drive and philandering ways, just like men. And a few of them cheat on their husbands, they’re often just more discreet than men. And we’re much better liars.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
Caroline smiled, tapping the side of her nose. “Patsy, your job is to be a sexy temptress. My job is to cover all the bases. Trust me, Ben is going to be worth his weight in gold in all kinds of ways.”
Next day at the office I reflected that not all our clients’ targets were scum like potential rapist Hubert Penman, indeed more than half of them were ordinary decent guys. I remembered James Wellbeloved, a handsome and fairly well known actor, whose wife Hermione was convinced he was seeing other women. When I hung out at the bar he was known to frequent, and used one of my ploys: asking to borrow a mobile phone because my own was out of battery, and I had to contact my date who hadn’t turned up, James had responded like a true gentleman. He lent me his phone, listened patiently while I gave him my sob story of my rat of a boyfriend, simultaneously flirting with him outrageously, and what did he do? Listened patiently, told me what an attractive woman I was, and that he was certain I would soon meet a suitable man. Then he spent the best part of an hour chatting about his ‘marvellous wife’, with whom he was very much in love, and how enemies of his in the acting profession were trying to put about rumours that he was cheating on her.
I love it when I find a happy marriage, it really makes my job thoroughly worthwhile.
“This is something I always have to ask,” I said the following day to our new client, a large blonde-haired lady called Tracy Bream, who reminded me of an all-in wrestler. “Are you absolutely certain you want to know what your husband is up to?”
“Yes. I have to be sure, one way or the other. It’s the not-knowing that’s killing me.”
Tracy was typical of one of our ‘angry and jealous’ clients. Tight-lipped, suppressing an incipient fury, she fairly bristled through the interview, and I didn’t envy her husband’s chances if he was a cheater and she found out. Muscles stood out on her brawny forearms as she glowered with anger.
“He’s been acting strangely for a long time. Leaving the house at all hours, funny phone calls that end when I come into the room. I’m certain he’s up to something. And if he’s dipping his wick somewhere, I’ll smash his face in,” she snapped. “I’ll crush his nuts in a vice!”
“Simpler just to leave him and file for divorce,” I suggested.
“But not half as much fun. You test him, love, and if he goes for it, he’s going to be stuffed like a turkey!”
Caroline was listening to our exchange, looking thoughtful.
But I’m delighted to say that after unsuccessfully trying to entrap him one evening, it seemed that Tracy was one of our ‘success’ stories. I’d followed him to this horrible nightclub that was dark, dreary and sordid, and I wondered why on earth anyone would choose to go to such a place. But when I got there and met the big tough looking man, I’d soldiered on, using every trick in the book to entice him, but with zero success. It was with great relief when I met Tracy at the office next day to discuss how her husband had reacted so negatively towards me.
“You’ve got no worries, Tracy,” I told her, smiling with joy. “I’ve been doing this job for years now and you can rest assured. You’ve got a faithful husband.”
But as she was leaving, Caroline invited us into her office.
“I’m very sorry, Mrs Bream, but in your interview you were so certain he was up to something that I decided to put another operative on to your husband’s case just to cover every conceivable option. After Patsy left, our latest recruit, Ben, started chatting to him. He didn’t live-stream the video he made of their rather steamy encounter, but you can see it in my office. . .”
(image by bollie6734 from Pixabay)