“Hello Sarah!”
I normally wouldn’t have looked down at the blanket-covered beggar who was camped out in the shop doorway, for his dirty clothes, straggly unkempt hair and silver stubble repelled me and I was anxious to get away.
“Don’t you recognise me, Sarah? I’m Roger – you were my first girlfriend all those years ago. I never forgot you.”
I glanced down and realised with a shock that underneath the dirt and the scruffy clothes, that this was indeed Roger Sidebottom, my very first boyfriend, and twenty-five years ago we’d been deeply in love.
But now?
I didn’t even bother to reply as I hurried past, unable to supress my shiver of revulsion. I cringed at the realisation that if things had been different I might have right now been Mrs Sarah Sidebottom, tied to a man who was begging for food! My goodness what a narrow escape I’d had!
But I had to admit that in those long-lost days, Roger had been my world. And just now, more than anything else, I had recognised his wonderful, amazing smile and it triggered all those memories that are still part of me, that can never quite go away.
Roger had been my boyfriend when I was another person entirely: an innocent girl of eighteen. He’d been incredibly handsome, an amazingly charming and lovable guy, who was just a year older than me. Roger’s dream had been to become an actor, and he was enjoying drama school, and with all the naivety of youth had been certain that he’d hit the big time and have a wonderful life as a film star, or a famous TV star, or indeed anything that involved performing in front of a camera. He was utterly convinced that he was destined for the big time.
Unfortunately other people weren’t so convinced of his star-studded future, even though he was a lovely person: good looking and charming, and lovely in every way.
It had been Mummy who’d made me see the light. “Honestly, Sarah, of course Roger is very sweet, but to imagine you can have a happy life with him is madness. He’s going to be an actor, and only one actor in a thousand has a successful life, the rest struggle for parts all their lives and end up bitter and miserable, realising they’ve failed, they’ve wasted their life, and it’s too late to start another career. He’s handsome, he’s fun, he’s perfect boyfriend material, of course, but don’t imagine you can ever build a life with him. You’re young, you’ll meet lots of boys, but for husband material it has to be someone with a good career and money.”
Of course, being in love with Roger, at first I took no notice. But, in fact, his attitude to life had always annoyed me a bit. Like the time we’d gone out on a cold winter’s evening, and we’d passed an old man sleeping rough, and Roger had given him his coat, because it was so freezing cold. “After all,” he’d explained to me afterwards, “I’ve got another coat at home, and that poor old chap could freeze to death. What must it be like sleeping out here in this weather? When I make it big I don’t want a millionaire lifestyle, I’m going to give as much as I can to charity, to help the poor people who’ve had a lousy deal in life.”
Mummy told me the unvarnished truth when I explained what he’d said to me.
“Typical of Roger. Honestly, Sarah, I’m warning you that being in love is all very well,” she explained to me. “But it never lasts. Roger is clearly hopeless with money, he’s going into a crazy profession where there’s no security, and if you hitch yourself to him, you’ll end up miserable and penniless. Love isn’t everything. Companionship is what matters. Companionship and security, like Daddy and me. Do you suppose we’ve ever been passionately in love? Our marriage has always been based on trust and friendship.”
So the more Roger talked about his dream future, of Hollywood and the London stage, the more I realised he was a dreamer and that his rose-tinted view of the future wasn’t reality. I’ve never been interested in show business anyway, even now I rarely watch films or know the names of famous actors and actresses. When I went to business college we drifted apart, and I met trainee accountant Humphrey, and in due course we got married. Okay, he’s boring, but Mummy was right, our marriage works and despite my being unable to have children, we’re contented, even though as a person Humphrey is as dull as ditchwater and we ran out of things to talk about years ago.
For one single split-second yesterday, I had longed to lean down and talk to Roger, to tell him all about my regrets, about how much I’d loved him, and how it had broken my heart to realise that without financial security I knew we’d never have lasted as a couple. What a relief that I hadn’t relented and had just ignored him and left our love affair in the past, where it belonged.
I don’t normally watch the Lorraine’s morning television chat show, but by chance I turned to her programme next day, and to my amazement, there, in the guest chair in her studio, was Roger!
“So you’ve had a bit of a fairy-tale life haven’t you, Stephen?” she began, in her friendly Scottish accent. “First of all, your new autobiography explains that when you were starting out as an actor you changed your name from Roger Sidebottom to Stephen Chance and after a few tough years you got your big break, and since then you’ve never looked back and are now one of the highest earning actors in Hollywood. And a little bird told me, that you’re also one of the nicest and most popular British actors in America, and that you donate a fortune to all kinds of good causes.”
“I’ve been lucky,” Roger answered. “All I’m doing is sharing my luck around to people who haven’t the breaks I’ve had.”
“And it seems that for your latest film, Outcast, where you play a homeless beggar in London, you’ve actually spent a week on the streets yourself to get the feel for playing the part?”
“I have. And my experiences there had made me decide to donate all my fee for the film to charities for the homeless because I’ve seen first hand all the good work they do.” He turned and smiled to the camera. Now that he was clean and shaved, he was just as handsome as I remembered, and my heart broke when I saw that smile again, and I longed to tell him how I felt.
“You see Lorraine, the worst thing about being a homeless beggar is that you’re cut off from humanity, you actually become invisible to people, they just walk past and ignore you. I was so worried that my face being so well known I’d be recognised that I grew a scraggly beard and wore an awful wig, but I needn’t have bothered, because no one even looked at me! Do you know, I even recognised my first girlfriend passing by? I actually called out to her, but I don’t think she even heard me. That’s how cold and heartless people can be.”
Image courtesy of Mircea, from Pixabay
Enjoyed this little tale. The more thought I gave to “Outcast”, the more meanings I discovered.
Thanks Molly hope you’re well